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/adv/ Advice

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:04:15 No.18178650

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I'm not your average lurker here. I'm nearly 50 years old and I have grown up children who are more than likely older than you. That said, I have reached a point in my life where the people around me can't help me any further. So yes, I'm here, where all the shit eventually drains to, because I find myself in a shit situation.

I'm divorced now and have been for the past 4 years. She cheated. Btu that's not why I'm here, I'm not here to talk about forgiving my ex-wife, because there's no forgiving that. I'm talking about my oldest daughter, who is 29 years old, who knew of her mother's affair and kept it secret from me.

When I found out, I was furious. For the first time in my life, I felt like strangling someone to death. Never in a million years would I have imagined I could feel so much hate towards any child of mine. Suffice to say, I have cut off all ties with my daughter. I have not talked with her for the past 4 years, not since the divorce and all the shit surrounding it surfaced. I have legally disowned her and she will get nothing when I die. Her relationship with her brothers and sisters is in tatters, they don't really talk to her all that much anymore, but they do keep in touch.

The problem here is that whenever I've formed new friendship or tried starting new relationships, and this subject matter comes up, people look at me like I'm a monster for disowning my daughter. I have no empathy or sympathy for someone like her and my ex-wife. I can't begin to understand why I should reconcile or forgive my daughter for what she did.

I'm here mainly because I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining myself to people, and then having to defend my actions as if I was the one who did wrong.

I've always believed in being upfront and honest with people. Treat them like how you want to be treated yourself. But I've reached the point where I'm considering just not telling anyone new I meet about my situation, barring the fact that I am divorce.


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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:04:53 No.18178651
My question is: should I just pretend she doesn't exist, never bring her up again to anyone, outside of those people who already know?

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:08:25 No.18178654
>>18178650

i just wouldnt tell people. if they somehow find out about the daughter id just say 'were not close'. and if they pressed id say 'i dont like to talk about it' becuase its true, you dont like talking about it. you may like saying it out loud, but you dont like how people respond, which means you dont like talking about it.

i could forgive my daughter for that under the right circumstances, but i dont know what yours were. i dont really care one way or another.

you dont need to talk to people about it. i know you believe in being 'honest' but theres nothing dishonest about not talking about her or asking not to be asked if she ever comes up.

there's a difference between privacy and dishonesty. you dont need to tell everyone how many seperate logs of shit you had this morning, or exactly what you looked for on pornhub, or how many times you masturbated to the thought of your wife with another man.

thats private. whatever you want to be private can be private. you dont need to explain. if people press you just say 'like i said, i dont want to talk about it'.

anyone who presses isn't trying to get you to be honest, they just want gossip.

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:11:50 No.18178660
>>18178650
>>18178651
Uh... well, though I'm not you, nor am I in your situation...
Your daughter was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Would she have kept it secret if it had been you cheating?
Nevermind. Sorry, oldfag. I have no advice for you. I have a daughter, but she's far too young for me to even imagine myself and my daughter in your place.
Sorry it happened, broham.

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Autismo Shitberg Deluxe Pegasus 2017-04-01 08:15:19 No.18178666
>>18178651
>My question is: should I just pretend she doesn't exist, never bring her up again to anyone, outside of those people who already know?
That's what I'd do, honestly. You've made your decision and it really isn't anybody else's. I would volunteer that information, and I don't think I'd even mention her if directly asked about my children. If you feel the need to talk about her, just say that you and her no longer are on speaking terms, and that you don't feel like discussing it. You're not obligated to air your laundry like that to people just because they ask

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:21:04 No.18178674
>>18178654

>i just wouldnt tell people. if they somehow find out about the daughter id just say 'were not close'. and if they pressed id say 'i dont like to talk about it' becuase its true, you dont like talking about it. you may like saying it out loud, but you dont like how people respond, which means you dont like talking about it.

The problem is when I start getting close with people, and you can't really just brush off those questions so easily.

>i could forgive my daughter for that under the right circumstances, but i dont know what yours were

She knew about her mother cheating on me for the larger portion of her affair. On one occasion, she even covered for her, though she later said she was sorry about that and didn't do it again, but you have to understand that I don't believe a word she says anymore.

And I don't really bring up the family history to everyone I talk with. It's not something that happens the first or the second time we talk. But eventually, talk of family does come up, and if they met my other kids, who might have mentioned their sister, it's kind of hard to just push the issue aside.

>anyone who presses isn't trying to get you to be honest, they just want gossip.

Oh I had a few of those and I just tend to push those people away, don't engage with them at all.

>>18178660

>Your daughter was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I was told that by several people, but that just doesn't make any sense to me. She wasn't stuck in the middle, she chose her mother over me. She chose dishonesty and deceit over loyalty. I mean, even her boyfriend at the time broke up with her once he found out what was going on. Doesn't that tell them enough about how what she did was wrong?

>>18178666

What about when I'm trying to build a relationship with someone new?

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:23:59 No.18178675
Yeah, keep that stuff private. We aren't close is sufficient. Also it might be the way you tell it, you sound pretty pissed off and while I assume you are socially adapt to avoid venting rage as you've displayed here, you might come across as kind of monstrous when talking in person.

In fantasy land where everything is fluffy and wonderful parents are responsible people who understand that children make mistakes as they grow and learn in life and they often sacrifice their own drives and desires in order to allow their children to grow and develop into healthy individuals without primary wounds and deep trauma due to the weaknesses and failings of their parents.

You have basically lumped your daughter with some of the anger you feel towards your wife, maybe transferred some because you can rationalise the weakness of your wife and relate, but your daughter has fallen from a higher place via a method you can't understand or relate to. In the eyes of others your wife is a fair target as the adult with autonomy and free choice over her actions, but your daughter is the potentially unwilling and manipulated stooge in your wife's wrong doing and by virtue of being your child she is supposed to get a few mistakes in order for you to raise a better adult.

In reality though you can do whatever the fuck you want to do. It feels good to make choices and stand by them and have standards, just doesn't feel good to have to constantly rationalise them and defend them and doubt yourself. So don't. Don't bring it up, people love a bit of drama.

That said, you will probably regret this in the end. You won't stay angry forever and you have lost a person who would have potentially been in your life until the very end. Parents are apparently supposed to take bullets for kids because of the bonding and the hormones and such. I remember being called monstrous because I'd save my girlfriend over my child in a life or death scenario.

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:25:41 No.18178679
>>18178674

>its hard to just brush it off.

its not actually, you just like to rant about it and that part of you wins out unfortunately.

put it this way, what is harder, brushing it off by being an adult and standing by your 'i dont want to talk about it', or having to deal with people judging you when they hear your story.

which is harder? whichever your answer, just follow the other one. there is no winning here. its life, you're 50, you know this, there's no magical solution, just a lesser of two evils.

so pick that lesser of two evils. my advice is to just be an adult and say 'i dont wnat to talk about it'. if you actually stand by that, you'll find its a lot easier than you thought

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:31:58 No.18178686
>>18178675
Also I can imagine so much is difficult because while your wife was your wife, she never was part of you, she was always another person. Your daughter has your DNA and genetically is related to you, she is part of you and as such you can understand your wife deceiving you, because while you were close she wasn't actually related to you, your daughter though?

That said, can you see positive reasons why she did what she did? Does she have a desire to spare you both from hurt or harm? To protect the family? To maintain an environment that she and her siblings loved and flourished within? It must have been a great burden for her to hold on to, your other kids by not knowing had a great luxury and a free ride in comparison to what she faced. I mean, sometimes you lie once and then you are committed and it eats away at you, but you can't go back now because you are scared because you lied even though you regret it so logically continuing to lie is the safest path to follow if damnation is the result if you don't.

Were you close? Did she look up to you? Is that why it was such a painful wound? Is it easier to cut her out rather than process strong thoughts like wanting to strangle your own child?

It must have been incredibly traumatic for you all. Can I ask what the scenario was? What ages were we talking for the people involved? How long had you been together as was it your first marriage? How long had the affair gone on? What were the circumstances?

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Anonymous 2017-04-01 08:38:15 No.18178696
>>18178650
>Why should I forgive her?
>whenever I've formed new friendship or tried starting new relationships, and this subject matter comes up, people look at me like I'm a monster for disowning my daughter

maybe you should forgive her because not forgiving her is having an adverse effect on all of your other relationships, but I'm just a shitposter on a Basque tile mosaic BBS so what would I know







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