What even IS 'self-motivation'?
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The only time I ever felt motivated to go the gym and eat healthy was the month I had a girlfriend. It was about getting in shape for her, being sexier for her, I wanted to make HER happy. Not me, I didn't matter there, my pain didn't matter, it was her. Then she turned out to be cheating on her real boyfriend with me, I went back to shitty junk food and vidya, and now here I am trying to capture that same sort of feel. Except I look back, and all I see for motivation is shit I got told to do, and I eventually did.
I didn't care about being an Eagle Scout, Dad just slapped my shit until I did all the requirements. I didn't care about College, I just feared what my family would say if I didn't at least graduate. I don't feel excited about a job, it's just something I do to make the bills go away. All my life is one fire under my ass to the next, and I look at getting in shape, and I just feel nothing.
I get there's diabetes and heart disease and all that shit, but that's just personal physical shit. I mean, I'm already fat as fatass, what more can society do to me, in the grander sense? I'm not attractive to anybody I'd be attracted to, so socially I'm not talking about anything that could shoot me further down the ladder. I look at the motivation posters and I know I'm supposed to find it myself, but I feel nothing. That's words. Words by dead people or /co/ assholes pretending to be Spiderman or something. They're not motivation they're just mission statements.
You know what would motivate me? Hard proof, hard proof that a girl I thought was cute would fuck me in six months if I lost 50 pounds.And that's still not me. That's not 'I want to be in shape for me' that's 'I want to be in shape for dat August pussy'.
tl;dr How do I actually find motivation when all I can think of is ways I've been just pushed about into the 'accomplishments' I have?