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Aspiring writer here/College Freshman, please rate my short story.
It was noon day. The sky had fallen black and Jason was not sure where he was.
"I'm not sure where we are." whispered Jason, to his German Shepherd.
The dog only managed a parched wine in return.
The man in Black, Jason, took a sip of Hard Vodka and begin the long tred along what was once New York street. How long had it been since the first blast? He could not remember. All that filled his mind were the sounds of screaming people. "I really dont like it here" whispered Jason, again, to his dog. "I really wish I was dead sometimes you know?" Up ahead Jason and his Dog spotted a medicine dispensary. "Maybe we can find some drugs to sooth the pain we are both feeling inside us." whispered Jason to his dog. But his dog was not the only one that heard. For above them rested one of them. One of the "things" that had infected the great earth at the start of the blasts. It jumped down from the top of the roof of the grocery store that was next to the medicine dispensary and initiated an attack. "RUN!" Jason screamed, to his dog.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
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/lit/, I need your help over a piece of dialogue in a short story I'm writing.
In short, there is a Masquerade themed Halloween party with a bunch of college freshmen coming back home for the fall break. Everyone is waiting for Travis Blair to show up to the party, he is an hour late. Lindsey owns the house and Arianna is the ex-girlfriend of Travis who last talked to Travis.
Arianna is bored at the party and is staring at a painting,Lindsey comes over and asks again where Travis is. Arianna doesnt respond. Lindsey gets impatient and says:
"“Ari, I’d hate to break you away from Monet’s Japanese Bridge, but he should have been here an hour ago, and-“
“Where is who, pretty girl?” Arianna said smiling.
What I want to get across is that Arianna stopped staring at the painting when she heard Lindsey say hate, smiled and the interrupted her. I've been trying to think of a way to do this smoothly but everything seems clunky. Any ideas?